Candide in America, Eldorado, and the Afghani Sand Parody of Voltaire's Candide M. Harrison, Kyle Sulli
THERE LIVED in the United States a young lad named Candide who, by total chance, happened to become a student of politics. He got into a friendly discussion with his most attractive girlfriend, Cunegonde, about the best of all possible governments. Candide's Harvard University professor, Dr. Pangloss, had indoctrinated Candide with the notion that American Democracy was the best of all possible governments. The lovely Cunegonde disagreed, and the two, with the blessings of the President of the United States of America, set off to find the best of all possible governments. They were to meet back in Washington, D.C. in two years to discuss their findings. So it was that Candide decided to travel abroad to observe the inferior governments of the world. This quest took our hero to the people's republic of Eldorado.
In Eldorado, the streets were lined with gold and our revered United States of America dollar was virtually useless. Rather, the government owned just about everything. Once a year, the tyrannical regime handed out minikin yet equal amounts of life's necessities to each "comrade" (the Eldoradan word for "citizen"). This all came as a shock to our hero, but being the genius he was, he learned to adapt to his surroundings. Even though the government was extraordinarily oppressive, Candide learned to appreciate its efficiency and egalitarianism. However, he still maintained his undying loyalty to American Democracy. During his stay, Candide often longed for the partisan bickering among civil servants that was not present in the Eldoradan Council of Divine Sages. But soon enough, the time came to return to his beloved home. Despite the initial difficulty in leaving the land, he eventually managed to deceive the authorities to release him as a Missionary to the Proletariat. Our cunning hero knew all along that he was returning to America with proof that American Democracy reigned supreme. Of course, we all know that Candide was smarter than the entire nation of Eldorado, so his escape was really no trouble.
Upon arriving at Dulles Airport in Washington, D.C., Candide was accosted by a Transportation Security Administration officer who noticed fingernail clippers in Candide's suitcase.
"Hand over that violent weapon there, son."
Candide was taken aback and refused to part with his beloved nail clippers. So the federal worker called in an INS agent to conduct a background search on Candide. Candide was happy to see the INS agent, for he was going to look for one as soon as he had gotten out of the airport. Candide took the agent's prompt arrival as further evidence support American Democracy's superiority. The agent immediately asked for Candide's passport, which Candide gladly handed over to him.
"Due to the volatile situation in Eldorado, our relationship with the government there, your status as a Missionary to the Proletariat, and the fact that your passport is expired, I am going to have to ask for additional documentation in order to be sure you will receive your welfare checks should you not come across a job to provide your income. It will take approximately thirty years to process the papers. After that, it should take five to sixty-eight years for you to receive a temporary Green Card, after which you may or may not be granted citizenship, having taken a relatively simple test on whether you know one word of English or can name the first President of the United States. The President may also grant amnesty, in which case you may no longer worry about your status as a citizen."
Candide, in his vast wisdom, had obtained millions of dollars from the government of Eldorado for the purpose of "advancing the cause of the Revolution, including Transportation, illegal Documentation, and any Funds deemed Necessary and Proper." In this spirit, Candide offered the INS agent $300,000 in return for his immediate release. The agent was more than happy to accept this most gracious gift, but refused to release Candide without receiving a few hundred thousand more. Candide reluctantly agreed and parted with $1,523,384.89.
As his encounter at Dulles had taken up a good deal of his day, Candide was forced to rush to the designated meeting place, in the Oval Office of the White House. It was a warm, humid day, and the sweat poured down Candides' face as he ran past police officers brutally beating neo-environmentalist-feminist-multiculturalist-pacifist protestors in the streets. As he was running down the street, Candide was reflecting on the great American tradition of freedom of speech when he tripped and nearly fell into an uncovered sewer access point. Candide cursed and immediately yelled, "Why is this manhole uncovered?"
One of the injured neo-environmentalist-feminist-multiculturalist-pacifist protestors overheard Candide's question, and screamed "SEXIST!!! Police, police, there is a sexist on the streets!!! Take him away!!"
With this, the police immediately ceased their excessive brutality and turned to arrest Candide. Candide was most surprised when one of the officers placed him in handcuffs and read him his Miranda rights.
"What am I being arrested for?" Candide incredulously cried.
"Misuse of the language. I'm afraid what you just said offended that individual who happens to be different from you by one X chromosome."
"All I asked was why that manhole wasn't covered!"
"Precisely. The object in question is a 'personhole.' We do not discriminate against persons of any sex, including questionable sex. This holds true in all situations, even those that include infrastructure and other public utilities."
With that, our hero was rushed downtown to police headquarters where he was booked, denied bail, and forced to await his trial. The very next day he was brought to court. There were several cases before his, and he had almost fallen asleep when the judge read off the case number.
"Case number 3983632-3973-397336.39784, the People of the United States versus John Candide. The defendant is guil--er--accused of...what the?! This is terrible! Ladies, gentlemen, and those of questionable sex of the jury, the man you see before you today stands accused of one of the most heinous misuses of the English language I have seen in some time. He said 'manhole'!"
At this the jury gasped and all of their faces turned pale. A person near the back of the courtroom, whom Candide recognized as one of the neo-environmentalist-feminist-multiculturalist-pacifist protestors, shouted, "Off with his head, that anti-environment, sexist, xenophobic, warmonger!" Another responded with, "Guillotine, here here!" which was responded to with an eruption of cheers from the rest of the courtroom.
The judge pounded his gavel, and shouted, "Order, order!" The room settled down, and the judge said to our hero, "What do you have to say in defense of yourself?"
"I am innocent of the charges, and I am confident that the American justice system, the best of all possible justice systems, will acquit me of all charges."
"I am sorry, but the evidence I see before me is irrefutable. You are obviously guilty, so I'm not going to bother letting the jury waste their time and mine with deliberation. However, because I am merciful as well as just, I will give you two choices. You can choose to be shot by thirty riflemen, or choose to run the gauntlet around Washington, D.C."
"I choose neither. Being that American Democracy is the best of all possible governments, I will exercise my free will so eloquently protected in our Constitution."
"All right, good choice. Your execution will be set for tomorrow at noon, you will be executed by a military firing squad. Do you have anything further to say before you are taken into custody?"
"Well, I wasn't expecting a sort of Inquisition."
Suddenly, a man dressed like Uncle Sam burst into the courtroom. "NOBODY expects the McCarthyist Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise...our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency...our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical hatred of Communists and their cohorts...our four...no...amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise...I'll come in again. Just say that line again, OK?" The McCarthyist Inquisitor then exited the courtroom.
In order to fulfill the request of the Inquisitor, Candide repeated, "I wasn't expecting a sort of Inquisition."
The Inquisitor again burst into the courtroom, yelling, "NOBODY expects the McCarthyist Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and a nearly fanatical hatred of Communists and their cohorts, and these wonderful Uncle Sam costumes...oh dangit, one more time."
Candide exclaimed, "I wasn't expecting a sort of Inquisition!"
The Inquisitor replied, "NOBODY expects the McCarthyist Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are blah blah blah. You are charged with three counts of un-Americanism. You are un-American in thought, un-American in word, un-American in deed, un-American CANDIDE! Oh wait, that's four counts. Nevermind. Do you confess?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. American Democracy is the best of all possible governments!" sputtered our hero.
The Inquisitor replied, "Well, I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this. Now look, you have one last chance, confess to the heinous crime of un-Americanism, reject the words of the Communists...two last chances...and you shall be free...three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance."
At this the judge ordered the bailiff to remove the Inquisitor from the courtroom. The Inquisitor cried, "Wait! No, he has not yet confessed!" as he was hauled out of the courtroom.
A United States Army recruiter then entered the room. "Your Honor, we need brave criminals to fight the war against Muslims - I mean the Taliban. Do you have anyone we could draft?"
"Err...nope, sorry. Got no one."
"What about that young man over there?"
"Sorry, he's reserved for the firing squad. Now go away!"
However, the recruiter failed to listen to the judge, and hauled our courageous hero Candide off to the war in Afghanistan. Candide was immediately placed at the prestigious position of Front Line Decoy/Human Shield. Our hero was honored to have his genius used to full potential by the military. During the United States attack on Kandahar, Candide was placed next to another FLD/HS, who happened to be his Harvard professor, Dr. Pangloss. Candide was obviously elated to see his mentor, but he was also worried for his welfare. Dr. Pangloss was not worried at all, and was very impressed with the efficient recruitment and placement on the Army's most talented and intelligent members.
"But Dr. Pangloss," Candide interrupted, "how did you get drafted?" You are seventy-nine years old, HIV-positive, legally blind, and teach political theory at Harvard! How did you pass through the screening?"
"Silence, my dear pupil," Pangloss sagely responded. "It is not of importance now. Whatever happened to me was for the best, because we live in the best of all possible countries, and we are currently serving in the best of all possible armed forces."
Candide was satisfied with this response, and shared his professor's optimism. It was at that point that Candide heard a whistle from the sky and looked up just in time to see a United States bomb rapidly falling towards the earth. Due to his rigorous training, Candide immediately recognized the bomb as one of the new, high-tech, "smart bombs" used to destroy individual targets. However, the tell-tale turbine engine noise was not present, so our brilliant Candide concluded that the bomb was a dud. Candide watched the bomb sail towards earth and his Dr. Pangloss on the head, hammering him fifty feet into the Afghani sand. Our hero was not alarmed by this, seeing that the U.S. military was excellent, and surely had due cause for Dr. Pangloss's elimination. After all, American Democracy is the best of all possible governments.
The Afghani army received word of the location of the FLD/HS's, and sent a fleet of 747 jets to destroy them. The fleet of eight jets immediately noticed the FLD/HS's, and began to descend toward earth in order to dive-bomb the unsuspecting Americans. However, the attack did not go as planned, as all eight jetliners crashed into the Afghani sand around the men, with not one harming an American. All the planes sunk right into the thick desert sand without so much as shrapnel hitting our hero and his platoon.
Candide was pleased with this, noting that America's military power must have had a key role in forcing the jets to fly into the ground. However, he quickly forgot about his mentor and the planes, as one-eyed Mullah Omar, the head Talib, rushed at him with an AK-47. Candide, with all courage, swiftly turned in the opposite direction and began to run, dropping his gun. The gun hit a rock during its fall, which caused it to fire, killing the Mullah in pursuit. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was watching the entire proceeding from his safe-zone, and immediately ordered Candide to promoted to General of Afghani Operations. Our hero was much pleased with his promotion, and decided to celebrate in the now-liberated city of Kandahar.
Forgetting all about his ordeal, Candide went to have some drinks with his subordinates at the local strip club, Laden's Ladies. He became friendly with a burqa-clad servingwench. During a closer encounter later that evening, our hero Candide discovered that this woman was indeed his most attractive girlfriend Cunegonde. He was astonished that she was in Afghanistan, and asked her how she got there. She told him a long, boring story about how she went to Afghanistan and came to be one of the many wives of Osama bin Laden. Her story was touching, albeit sleep-inducing, and our hero, being the humanitarian he was, felt sorry for the young woman. He was immediately grateful for living in such a great place as the United States of America.
The two reunited lovers boarded a military jet bound for the United States. Along the way, they were hijacked by Islamic terrorists, who attempted to crash the plane into the California Federal building in Los Angeles, California. However, the attack did not go as planned, as the terrorists forgot that the plane was a military plane. Our brilliant hero and his fair lover used this knowledge to their advantage, and armed with submachine guns, overtook the hijackers. Unfortunately, our hero was not quite brilliant enough to operate a plane, and the coordinates were set for the middle of the building. Not to be discouraged, the two quickly grabbed the only two parachutes left on board, and exited the airplane, leaving the other soldiers to die as the plane slammed into the skyscraper. On the way down, Candide and Cunegonde reflected on the wonders of America that allowed them to cheat death. Sadly, their celebration was short-lived, as they were captured upon hitting the ground, and were swiftly brought to a secret military tribunal and charged with treason.
Our two heroes were not present for their own trial and sentencing, and thus the terms of conviction are unclear. However, we do know that they were convicted of treason, and sentenced to a life of hard labor. Refusing to lose hope, Candide came to an epiphany on the way to the prison. He realized that the best way to enjoy life of hard labor was not to worry about others, but to concentrate on one's own life and actions. With this he gave his famous quote, "Let's go and work in the garden."
The above work is the opinion of the author, and not necessarily that of the Prometheus Institute.
Less on war and terrorism | If you didn't like this work, you might like instead: Armchair Voting Term limits are lazy man's democracy, and nothing is more American
More from M. Harrison | If you like this author, you might also like: Hamlet on the Market
To regulate or not to regulate? (That is the question)
